Pulling into the station

December 15, 2003

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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little boy looked up at the cop and said,

"Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse."

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Bubba Claus Is Coming To Town!

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the

following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by the North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only

certain areas of Oregon, Nevada, Washington, Montana and California. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys

to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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Japanese Fart:

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes,and accidentally lets out a big fart. She looked up and said: "Aww So sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy

back hole laugh out loud."

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If you enjoyed this entry - and the many others I've done - please feel free to extend the love my way. How, you ask? By splurging on me this Holiday season (God, this is so shameless) and upgrading me to a SuperGold. How? Click here. I will cherish you always.

Jokes and a shameless pitch stopped here at 4:11 p.m.

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